Warm Welcomes Build Belonging

This is the time of year where many of us gather with family and friends. We find ourselves in groups in different forms and in diverse stages. Many of us are moving through the stages of groups at speeds that can feel jarring and overwhelming. When groups change rapidly, we even sometimes go through the stages concurrently - and yet each stage still deserves some intention. To review the stages of groups, check out our posts from October and November!

This month, we’re honing in on the anatomy of a warm welcome: invitation, recognition, and preparation. 

Invitation

Any of us who have seen a movie about secret societies (or a wizarding school that shall not be named) have seen what it looks like when someone receives an invitation. The gold filigree, the careful scripting, scented paper, even the delivery-how it arrives and who delivers it-is part of the invitation. In reality, not every invitation will - or needs to be - hand penned and elaborate, yet all good invitations are intentionally crafted. 

Who are you inviting specifically? Why are you inviting them? What qualities do they possess that you are recognizing? How will you make sure they know they are important and welcome?

Recognition 

How do you recognize the quality in those who are being invited? In professional settings it can be easy to lose this; in the formality of a job offer, for example. But this is precisely the time to offer a warm welcome. Teddy was once hired onto a job in a different part of the country that he had no prior relationship with, he asked those who made the final decision what set him apart. Their answer was instructive: you were the one who most talked about community. The clarity of that invitation both affirmed a quality that he had and communicated a hope of what he would bring to the team. We also had a tequila toast and indoor second line at the end of our first training institute - New Orleans really does know how to welcome a body!

J. Ruth Gendler’s The Book of Qualities offers playful wisdom for recognizing qualities in. I recommend it to all my facilitation trainees, as it was recommended to me by a trainer. Part of the loveliness of the book is that it personifies a variety of characteristics as characters: ”Beauty doesn’t anger easily, but she was annoyed with the journalist who kept asking her about her favorites–as if she could have one favorite color or one favorite flower.” (Gendler, page #) It is my favorite combination of  whimsy and rigor.  Expanding our vocabulary of qualities, enables us to craft that intentional moment of recognition that so characterizes a a warm welcome. 

Preparation

So we’ve invited, we’ve recognized, and now we prepare the space for our folks. Preparing the space is how we do our best to make sure what is built will meet their needs and encourage their growth. It’s when we ask ourselves, “Based on what we know about 1) the possibilities and limitations of the space we are creating and 2) the folks we are inviting into it, what do we need to do to make it as welcoming as possible?” 

For example, at a recent retreat for a transformative justice collective, we made preparation with intention:

• Crafted an upbeat playlist with some crowd favorites to play for the first 30 minutes of the gathering (when people would arrive).

• Always had someone at or near the door to welcome folks in with as much or as little contact as they would like. (We considered a soul-train danceline, but not all the introverts want that kind of fanfare when they arrive).

• We kept scents to a minimum in the main room. 

• Once everyone was seated (in Circle) we thanked everyone for coming, shared a bit about our purpose in coming together for the day and offered a grounding meditation that brought us all into the room and into relationship with each other. 

Warm Welcomes Build Belonging

One of the stories I often share about what it is to feel belonging is also a story about a warm welcome. I was running late for a Buddhist retreat with my Sangha and as I stood at the door contemplating whether to attend at all because I didn’t want to be “that guy” I walked into the meditation hall and as I moved up the stairs, folks were singing, snacks were out, I was unobtrusively directed where to put my coat and without breaking song/stride I was shown to my cushion with the song sheet in front of it. Settling into my seat I joined the song. Not every warm welcome is about changing up everything, it isn’t about a record scratch and turning of attention, sometimes it is the subtle invitation of your seat having been prepared and the recognition that you deserve attention and care. 

How will you build belonging with warm welcomes this season?

Anatomy of a Welcome

Belonging Based Facilitation leads with its values, one of which is anti-racism. As such, one of our core commitments is to not be ahistorical. This value shows up in our practice when we are warming up a group - we help usher them into and ultimately through the Warm Welcome Stage by letting them know what preceded their iteration of a group. As Priya Parker discusses in her book on The Art of Gathering when we come together in the warming stage, we can quickly share who we are and what brings us all together. 

As facilitators, we often introduce ourselves to a new group by describing how we came to be part of that group or how long we have worked with a subset of the group to prepare for our time together. When doing circle-work (e.g. transformative justice, community accountability, or other sacred circle work) we often begin with a grounding and/or check-in. Grounding or checking in allows the group to arrive, to become present with the moment. This act of becoming present is important for all groups embarking on a particular project or task together, and it can be easy for groups that have been together a long time to  overlook the warming stage,  It’s important to remember that every time someone joins or leaves a group or whenever a group comes together to engage in something new, it’s time to warmly welcome folks into the group, answering the questions: who are we now? and why are we now together?

You’re The New Sheila vs. Individuated Invitation

As Belonging-Based facilitators, we want to let people know that they belong from the moment that they arrive. So often our warm welcomes are about how we set the space ahead of time: materials are shared a week before, anything we need that day is printed out, name tags are available with a variety of colors, nourishment is on hand, there is relatively comfortable seating for everyone and when we finally get around to doing introductions, we invite folks to share their names, pronouns, access needs, and something that they need from the group to feel belonging [we actually tend to ask this ahead of time]. 

When folks are new to groups, they often practice in this way. But as we are with organizations longer, we can begin to skip over this step. How many of us have been on a job where someone leaves and when the new hire for that position comes on, we say “oh, you’re the new Sheila!” and proceed to introduce Kenya as “the new Sheila.”? This can be even more complicated when race, gender, and other identities are involved, but it is also a lie. This person is not the new Sheila, they are their own person with unique talents, gifts, and experience. They may be coming in to join the team and perform a specific function, but they will do it a different way and if we hold them to the same expectations of Sheila, we will miss their new and unique contribution. We are signaling that they don’t belong, but that SHeila does. Or that they can belong conditionally to the extent that they are a carbon copy of Sheila. “Sheila always used to bring the donuts to our meetings,” Sheila was never late with her reports, Sheila always knew how to reset the servers, the list goes on. We say “any time a group changes composition it’s a new group,” so that the group can adjust to and incorporate this new being into belonging to the organization. At the Othering and Belonging institute, there is this lovely image that describes it in the context of exclusion and inclusion.

From the Othering and Belonging Institute at UC Berkely.

So how do you do it?

Invitation, recognition, and connection.

All Groups Are Unique

All groups are unique.

They're unique in makeup. They're unique in why they come together as a group. They're unique in what they are trying to move forward or toward as a group. And yet, because humans are herd animals and because herds are a very particular type of group, there are stages and ways all groups move even in their uniqueness.

Recognizing what stage we are in and what can surface in that stage, is helpful for setting expectations. It can help with anticipating when conflicts might surface or subside and generally provide context to what we are individually experiencing within a group. In Belonging Based Facilitation, we use a group formation model first published by Bruce Tuckman in 1965. It has since been iterated, developed, revised and contested by various practitioners and facilitators. Like any other tool, it has its limitations, and we still find it incredibly useful. Tuckman’s tool reinforces our claim that anytime a group changes composition - whenever someone joins or leaves a group - it is a new group. From inception to conclusion, through disruption and change, groups move through these different stages and the expectations that come with them. Tuckman’s framework helps to make sense of the behaviors we see in groups as they travel through different stages. Using the framework is like having a forecast - the forecast doesn’t perfectly represent or create the weather, but it certainly helps you prepare. 

Forming

We sometimes call this the warming stage. Think about stretching before a run, vocal warmups before a concert, or warming up a cast iron pan before cooking on it. In this stage we bring our most acceptable self. This is when people are at their most polite and can be called the ‘honeymoon’ period because it can have all that new relationship energy. The central question in this stage is what are we doing here? As Belonging-based facilitators we focus on each component of this: who is the we? What is the thing this group is doing? where is here? And how did we all get here?

Storming

There are so many different ways to storm! Some groups storm loudly and with lots of energy, other groups move through this stage like a fog or persistent drizzle. However we enter this stage or move through it the central element of this stage is that it is where conflict enters the chat. Sometimes, there will be disagreement, and other times, there may be trauma present, but all the times, these ruptures take place in the body of the group, not just in the bodies of individuals.

Central to this stage is the question: who do I get to be in this group? OR How authentic can I be in this group? As facilitators, we look at how the group tends to the conflicts that emerge in this stage: do they move at them directly? Or does the group avoid or ignore the conflicts and tensions arising? However the group does or does not deal with the conflicts during this phase sets the stage for how the group will work together moving forward. 

Groups that engage actively and generatively in conflicts find greater authenticity and flexibility at the next stage, whereas groups that avoid or suppress conflict find a kind of ungrounded comfort. This is when it is crucial to be trauma-informed. In groups with a rich trauma history, people may experience conflict as an existential threat, triggering threat responses (like fight or flight). Our role then is to help the group turn toward the conflict (or threat) with clarity, compassion and creativity. 

Norming

Whatever we practice, we make permanent. This stage follows the storming phase specifically because it is the cementing of how the group moves together. Norms are the implicit ways that a group behaves. These implicit, cultural behaviors are most obvious when moving from one (group) culture to another. For instance, when my family relocated from the Pacific Northwest to the South, we had to teach our children to address adult Black people as Ms. Mr. or Mx., not by their first name! 😬 

In the norming stage, individuals, grapple with how to behave together on this journey. As a group, folks are noticing what kinds of leadership emerge in the group and how they distribute the crucial work of the group: specifically how does the group take care of safety, agency, dignity, and belonging? As facilitators we may posit this directly or indirectly. Noticing how a group makes decisions, for instance, gives us great insights into the individual and collective agency of the group. 

Performing

This is the sweet spot for groups when the norms that have been established in the prior stage really work for the group. Decision-making and distribution of labor is equitable and meaningful; conflict is met with curiosity and creativity; and the group may begin to have a sense of its own ‘mortality,’ recognizing that it may not continue forever in this iteration even if it wants to. This is the stage where the individual authenticity of each group member gets to shine- when each individual fits together like a puzzle. Or an orchestra in which there may be a strings section with several violins, but none is any less important than the other and anyone that doesn’t play (or doesn’t play their best) makes the sound/music the less well off for it. 

Adjourning / Changing

That’s a wrap! Adjourning is when a group comes to the end, and folks must accept that “this group as it is composed, will never exist again.” Similar to the storming stage, if the group has accumulated untended trauma, the end of the group can feel more like a threat than a natural part of all living systems. 

Individuals tend to want to know: what happens next? Who am I without this group? Sometimes we say that how a group ends meetings is how it meets endings. Is there a pause, gratitude, and time to shift? Or is it a rush off to the next thing? Individually we describe some people as lingerers (staying until and often past the ‘end’) and others as absconders (leaving before the ending can really arrive). We bring intention to this part of the process by asking groups we facilitate: what is a good goodbye? There are some similarities and idiosyncrasies for different groups and individuals, but are gratitude, a recognition that the end is here, and some tender words or touch come up consistently. 

Reflection

In the next few weeks, reflect on the groups you’re a part of - whether that be family, friends or colleagues. How do you notice the stages of groups showing up?

Amends Cycle

We are all in a particularly energized, impassioned, and changing time on our planet. Whether we are focused on our global politics, community movements, or family changes - we are all experiencing moments of deep connection. And connection also means at times, we will experience hurt. At In The Works, we know belonging also requires us to be present at times of hurt and having the skills to move forward in repair. When harm happens, it can feel like we have lost everything and it may keep going forever.

Yet, we know for us and those we care about - the harm must end. And we can reflect on the hurts of our past to know it will end, with intention. We also know it only ends with true and authentic amends. Amends is not just apology; though that is the first step. It also requires making sure those most impacted are made whole again. And after that, the behaviors and choices that cause harm are changed, so harm doesn’t happen again. We acknowledge our history, then must take action, internally within our organization, and within every bit of the work we do - to make repair. From this ending. A new beginning can start…

Impact, Amends, and only then, Intentions

So much of group dynamics is about the individual person-to-person interactions that make up our day. And those person-to-person interactions also make up the conflict culture of our institutions. Humans are amazing at having clear intentions, within ourselves, and at times need to take inventory to make sure our intentions are being received as we wish them to be. Often, “stuckness” is about communication of intentions in isolation, when what is needed is also reflection on impacts and amends. Take time to consider: How are impacts, amends, and intentions showing up for our group and work? 

Amends reminds us -  “We can be whole again” - and we have to take action together to get there. Too often, it is the starting of amends that is a challenge. Whether naming we owe someone amends, or naming that we are hurt and require amends to stay in connection - there is a vulnerability there. And when vulnerability is present, the hurts and experiences of the past can keep us from taking action in the present. Can keep us from taking that first step.

Amends is about trust and (re)building trust anew. And we each have a role in building that trust - whether we are the one giving amends or receiving it.

So from that vulnerability - Where can we begin?

We must start with our role and naming what we have done. Apology & Accountability is the acknowledgement of the harm and naming ourselves n that harm. We have to start from the humility of recognizing ourselves, our actions, and how it impacts others.

We then must work to make it right, if we are able. Atonement lets us name the impacts, identify places to make repair, and move the harmed individual or collective body toward wholeness, if possible. This step is important, even in situations where we cannot return to a previous state of being.

Too often, individuals and institutions stop at apology and never get to Action Adjustment. There can be no amends until action is taken to change the circumstances that allowed the harm in the first place. All involved - those harmed, those who caused harm, and those who witnessed it - need to work to change behaviors and/or systems so the harm doesn’t happen again.

Once the harm has been named, accountability has been centered, atonement has repaired, and action adjustment has made steps to keep it from happening in the future - the seeds of trust have been planted. But only through the Acceptance processes can trust be re-established. Acceptance requires time and practice for all involved to be receptive and act on that change. With those repeated actions we water each other so trust will grow.

Understanding our role in the amends cycle and what skills we need to practice is transformative in our ability to be authentic in our communities, work, and families.

Wholeness & Wellness

We begin whole/well and we can be whole/well again. 
We begin whole. We begin well. 

In the age of a capitalized, commodified wellness industry, I don’t mean this just in some sort of fantastical “we are all Wakandan” way, but I do mean that, too. I mean that we begin with complete access to a full range of emotions, sensations and experiences. I mean that is true for me as an individual, and you as an individual, and for us as a community, and as a species. 

A human-induced global climate catastrophe, accelerating wealth inequality, multiple genocides, the rise of the far-right, and in the US, an assault on the rights of Black people, people with uteruses, and trans people. It makes perfect sense that we are craving wellness. Everyone and their momma is talking about increased political polarization and in fact we are desperate to be whole again.  As someone who works with individuals and organizations who have rich trauma histories (and often rich trauma presents) one of the most important reminders we offer is that we can be whole again. 

So why does it feel so hard to return to wholeness?

My favorite definition of wellness to date is from the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, “ to be well is not to live in a state of perpetual safety and calm, but to move fluidly from a state of adversity, risk, adventure, excitement, back to calm and out again.” Being under persistently traumatic conditions makes that fluidity really difficult to attain, let alone maintain.

Trauma, as prevalent and persistent as it is, is actually abnormal. Trauma is the disruption, the distraction, the dis-ease. And while we sometimes center it, we center it to get a clearer view on just how ‘not the norm’ it is. That it is surrounded, preceded, (and can be  followed) by wellness, by wholeness. 

Our innate wellness/wholeness does get interrupted, our connection to that wellness compromised, but it doesn’t break. We are not broken. I am not and neither are you. We may have experienced these interruptions to our safety, agency, dignity, or belonging (our four Fundamentals), and yet, we do not all end up traumatized. This is especially true if the events are few and far between. However, even if our trauma exposure is high, it’s easier to return to wellness when our Fundamentals are supported and resourced e.g. by loving community or a universal basic income. 

In this age of wellness weekends, wellness aisles, wellness podcasts, etc. we are being sold a commoditized individualized version of wellness: take this supplement! eat this superfood! attend this retreat! But right now our political body, our social body, our collective body, even our planetary body is not well. So the fact is that we individually find it difficult to return to wellness, and it is because we are struggling against a current of illness.  

When we have robust belonging and firm safety, we may not feel interruptions as intensely, and we may recover from them more fluidly. 

So what can we do with that? Most of the literature would have you believe you need to be “post” the trauma to begin recovery. Nah. I have no intention of waiting for racism to end or patriarchy to be smashed in order to be free from their effects. So here’s what you do: go and get your Fundamentals. Now, don’t take them from anyone else, but find the places, people, communities, moments, and relationships that support and reinforce them. Where do you find yourself belonging? Able to show up in your fullness and authenticity and be welcomed? With whom are you safe? Able to take risks and be relatively secure? When do you practice agency? Making decisions, even erroneous ones, then getting to make the next one and the next. And who supports our dignity? Your unassailable sense of self-worth that isn’t tied to any achievement or behavior. Find those spaces and steep yourself in them.If you don’t have them, co-create them, and if you have an abundance of them, invite others into them. “We can be whole again,” is always plural: I can’t be well without you.